I’m grateful that I’m a sober dad. My boy had all four of his impacted wisdom teeth extracted yesterday and I was able to be present and attentive because I am sober.

Of all the things that caused me shame during my drinking days, nothing caused more self loathing than the knowledge that I was not being a good father. I wanted desperately to be able to be a good father who liked to drink, but the truth of the matter is that this is a binary choice — You can be either a good father or a good drunk, but not both. At least, I haven’t seen anyone who’s been successful at both.

When I was drinking, I knew that I wasn’t living up to the role. I knew that I was failing to be present. I made a lot of mistakes that I might not have made if I’d been sober. I certainly yelled a lot, so much so that the people who I love the most were often afraid of me.

I knew that I was failing everyone — my wife, my son, and myself. And yet, I kept drinking. Because that’s what people who are in the grips of addiction do. They keep trying to escape the mess of a life that the addiction has helped them create. But there is no escape. Each drink just makes the mess worse.

I’m grateful that I don’t live that way any more. Grateful that I can take care of my son.

Grateful to be able to get him to and from the surgery safely.

Grateful to be able to go out to pick up prescriptions. Grateful to be able to trust myself with those prescriptions. Grateful to be able to get up at 3:00 AM to give him a dose of medicine so that he doesn’t wake up in pain.

Grateful to be his dad. Grateful to love him and to be loved by him.

Grateful to be present. Grateful to be sober.