Panic Attack

21. December 2011 · Write a comment · Categories: chaos, fear, noise, winter blues

HIP_312491832.420444Every single cell in your body feels as if it will explode.

Your heart beats faster than seems possible.

There is at once a feeling that you are falling from a great height combined with the sensation that you are being hurtled through thin air in the upper levels of the atmosphere.

Your shoulders tighten and jaw clenches.

Something in your stomach feels like it’s swirling around rapidly, like the blue water in the stainless steel toilet bowel on an airliner at 30,000 feet when you flush.

Limbs tingle, and feel like they might move uncontrollably.

There is a sense that the blood in your veins to flare up and rage in a violent boil at any moment.

Your breathing becomes short and quick.

A tingling sensation starts in your stomach and rises like the bubbles in a bottle of seltzer water, up through your throat and neck. Some of these bubbles seem to be released just below your nose — the rest rise up through your skull and are released out the crown of your head.

This is a panic attack.

Dad would have celebrated

02. May 2011 · 1 comment · Categories: america, dad, death, disgust, family, fatherhood, fear, frustration, gratitude, hope, incongruities, marriage, media, mortality, rants, struggles, television, thoughts, time, tragedy · Tags: ,

Papa Don's Little GirlDad would be celebrating today.

He was horrified to see his brethren die on that tragic day when the towers collapsed.  We talked in the days after the events of 9/11 about the job that the men of FDNY were doing.  I could hear the pain in his voice.

As a nation, we rallied around each other.  Many of us reacted in ways that we didn’t fully understand.  In retrospect everything seems different.  Ten years of war and a recession have changed my views.  Becoming a father has changed my views.  Meeting my wife changed my views.

I honestly don’t know how I feel about the death of Osama Bin Laden.  It’s almost meaningless to me.  There is an entire army of new recruits that has been formed over the past ten years.  And now to find out that he’s been “hiding” in a populated area?

I cannot celebrate.   The chest thumping is ugly.

I long for a day when the “threat level” is not orange.  What will a day that is “green” be like?  Will we ever see one?

When will it be safe to move on?

On Writing Well

26. January 2011 · 4 comments · Categories: Art, chaos, daily life, fear, writing · Tags: ,

“Don’t tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.” ~Anton Chekhov

Powerful words and excellent advice from a dead Russian writer.  Too often, laziness takes over and my flat sentences leave you with only a blurred outline of the story.  I rush through the post, leaving out grains of detail that punctuate the story in my mind.  I am conscious of it.  I know I’m doing it in the moment.

Why do I do this?

Why do I write this blog at all?

There is no consistent theme.  My life experiences really are not that interesting, and certainly are not “important” in the context of the universe, the Earth, my country, state, or town.  And yet, I write here on occasion (hopefully more frequently than not) as my grandfather would have said, “for a reason.”

On some level, I know that I need to write on a daily/weekly basis even if it’s only to keep in practice.  I want to write well, however.  And too often, that’s not happening here.  Perhaps I should practice this advice instead:

“I just sit at a typewriter and curse a bit.” ~P.G. Wodehouse

Everything happens for a reason?

20. January 2011 · Write a comment · Categories: Buddhism, chaos, daily life, fear, incongruities, rants · Tags: ,

Does everything happen for a reason?

Are you kidding me?

Anyone why says this and means it is fooling themselves.  They are trying to account for the fact that we have absolutely no control over ourselves or the world around us.  We crave control, but in the end, life is completely random.  People die for no good reason, and others live for no apparent reason.  We are fragile.  Completely fragile, and out of our fragility we create constructs intended to make us feel in control.

No, my friend, there’s a whole lot of shit that happens for no reason at all.  Trust me on this.

Life is chaotic, random, and out of control.  In order to come to peace with this notion, we must let go of our desire to control everything.

The only thing we have control over is how we respond to the chaos.

Ten Views of Myself

26. September 2010 · Write a comment · Categories: creativity, daily life, family, fatherhood, fear, hope, incongruities, information, rants, self, sidetracks, storytelling, struggles, thoughts, work, writing

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Ten views of myself:

  1. A Father
  2. A Writer
  3. An Artist
  4. Detail Oriented
  5. Strong
  6. A Survivor
  7. A Leader
  8. A Critical Thinker
  9. A Strategist
  10. Alive

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